How to Talk to Someone About Their Drinking or Drug Use

There's no perfect script for talking to someone about their drinking or drug use, but calm timing, specific language, and "I" statements give the conversation its best chance of landing.

Why Is This Conversation So Hard?

You've noticed a problem. You care about this person. You want to say something, but what?

Confrontation rarely works. But avoiding the conversation isn't working either.

This guide covers how to have a conversation that might help.

When Should You Have the Conversation?

What's the Right Timing?

Pick a calm time. Not during a crisis. Not after they've been using. Not when you're angry.

Make sure you're ready. If you're going to yell or cry, wait until you can stay calm.

Avoid ultimatums. "You need to stop or else" usually makes things worse.

Where Should You Have It?

Private. Not in front of other people.

Neutral. Not in their space (where they can leave) and not in yours (where they might feel attacked).

Calm environment. Somewhere you can talk without time pressure.

What Should You Say?

Use "I" statements. "I feel worried when..." not "You always..."

Be specific. "I noticed you missed work last week" not "You never do anything right."

Express concern, not judgment. "I care about you and I'm worried" not "You're destroying yourself."

Offer help, not criticism. "I'm here if you want to talk" not "You need help."

What Should You NOT Say?

Don't accuse: "You're an alcoholic" or "You have a problem"

Don't shame: "Think about what you're doing to this family"

Don't threaten: "If you don't stop, I'm leaving"

Don't lecture: Long speeches about the damage drugs cause don't help.

Don't compare: "My friend's brother got clean, why can't you?"

What Are Some Example Scripts?

The observation: "I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately. I'm worried about you."

The specific concern: "I was concerned when I saw [specific behavior]. Are you okay?"

The offer: "I don't know how to help, but I want to. Can we talk?"

The boundary: "I love you, but I can't keep [specific enabling behavior]. It's not helping."

What If They Get Defensive?

They might:

Deny the problem
Get angry
Leave the conversation
Blame you

That's okay. You can't control their response.

What to do:

Stay calm
Don't escalate
"I'm not trying to attack you. I'm trying to help."
If they leave, let them

What If They Acknowledge the Problem?

That's a win.

What to ask:

"What do you think you need?"
"How can I support you?"
"Have you thought about getting help?"

What not to do:

Don't solve it for them
Don't make it your job to fix them
Don't take over

What Happens After the Conversation?

Follow up. Don't just have one talk and never mention it again.

Check in. "Hey, how are you doing with what we talked about?"

Keep being available. Your continued concern matters.

When Should You Try Again?

If the first conversation doesn't go well:

Wait until things calm down
Try a different approach
Try a different person (if you can)

If they're not ready, they're not ready. You can't force it.

How Do You Get Help for Yourself?

This is hard. You don't have to do it alone.

Al-Anon: For family members of alcoholics
Nar-Anon: For family members of drug users
Therapy: For you, separately from them
Support groups: Online and in-person, including groups through local treatment centers

How Do You Get Started?

Pick your moment. Calm time, private place.
Plan what you want to say. Keep it simple.
Stay calm. Don't let them bait you.
Express concern. "I care about you."
Offer support. "I'm here."
Accept their response. You did your part.

What Should You Keep in Mind?

Don't expect a breakthrough. One conversation rarely changes everything.
Stay calm. Your emotional state matters.
Be specific. Facts, not judgments.
Get support for yourself. This is hard. You need help too.
Let go of the outcome. You can't make them change. You can only try.

You care. That's why you want to help. But you can't fix them. You can only offer. Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes it's not. But it's all you can do.

Generated by CleanDraft (https://cleandraftapp.com)

How to Talk to Someone About Their Drinking